So you had one too many drinks (again). Your thumbs are hovering over your phone’s keyboard, and you’re ready to text the hunk you’ve been flirting it up with the past two weekends. But before you go a-booty callin’, be sure to follow Professor PicoBong’s top five sexting tips, so when you strike those keys, you’re not also striking down your chances.
Today’s topic: The Top 5 Sexting Don’ts. Class is in session.
1. DON’T Send Two Texts In a Row
Three hours and no response? WTF. Maybe it didn’t go through. Yeah, that’s it. Must be the iPhone 5. I better send another one! Stop this madness—you sent a text message, not a carrier pigeon. He got or will get your text, and there’s no way to know whether he’s jumping for joy, making you sweat it out, or he’s just passed out after playing 12 straight hours of beer pong. Either way, that one extra text isn’t going to achieve anything but making you seem needy.
2. DON’T SMS ASAP
Unlike our first tip, this one is to be used at your discretion. When getting sexted, the goal is to wait as long as realistically possible to respond while not coming off as a flake or missing your window of opportunity. It’s good to allow for enough time for him to receive at least one other text from someone that is not you. Your silent absence builds sexual tension and makes him realize just how bad he wants you (and wishes that last incoming text was yours).
3. DON’T Overstress the ‘Yes’
When he asks you to meet him somewhere later, don’t be the putty in his hands and reply with an immediate “yes.” Embrace the power of the “maybe.” While your actual answer might actually be “Oh god yes! I’ll get in a friggin’ cab right now!,” a maybe says, “I have better things to do, but you’re not so bad, so I’ll consider it.” It’s not uncommon for guys to hedge their bets with girls. This will keep you on his mind and put him well on his way to breaking our first rule.
4. Don’t “Other Girl” Him
Don’t inquire about other girls—even if you think you’re doing it as a joke (which of course, you’re not). “Other girling” him (e.g.— texting: “I’m sure you’re out having fun with all the other girls…LoLz.) is insecurity masked as playfulness in an attempt to gauge his player status. Your inquisition isn’t going to warrant a truthful answer from him anyway, so forgo the prying.
5. DON’T Be Overly-Obvious
Ambiguity is the name of the game. For instance, you don’t want to look too easy inviting him over after it’s obvious you both have been out drinking all night. Marketing majors: put that degree to good use and choose your words creatively. Compare I think we’re having some people over for afterhours if you’d like to join us to Wanna come over? Same meaning; different marketing strategy.
While technology might be rapidly developing, our human psychology is still more or less stuck in the Stone Age of predictability. The thesis statement here is that human beings desire that which they cannot easily attain, so there’s scientific proof behind playing hard to get.
Lucky for you, all vibrators of PicoBong are always readily available and eager to please. And you have our guarantee that none of them will ever pass out playing beer pong.