Orgasms are funny things; even people who have had them before can run into slumps where they just can’t seem to climax. The conventional wisdom is to relax, but obviously when we are anxious about orgasming, it can be pretty hard to relax.
Below we offer our top tips for having an orgasm if you feel like you’ve hit a wall. By the way, some people might be able to orgasm from hitting a wall, but we suggest touching your clitoris as a better starting off point.
Get in Position
Surprise! There are different positions for masturbation just as there are different positions for coupled sex. If you’ve always masturbated while lying in the tub, for instance, you might find orgasms come more easily when you’re standing. You can be lying back on the bed , you can kneeling while holding onto your headboard, or even knelt forward as if you were receiving during doggy style; there are only two things that matter when you’re picking a position to masturbate in: can you maintain it comfortably for a sustained amount of time and can you stimulate yourself the way you want to?
Get in the Mood
Sexual desire is something that a whole lot of us stress about. Do we have too much? Not enough? Levels of sexual desire can depend on a slew of things, and we often talk about certain foods or vitamins that can boost our libido, but we don’t often talk about WHY our libidos can vary so much, and what we can do to put ourselves in the mood.
Dr. Emily Nagoski, (holder of a Ph.D. in Health Behavior with a doctoral concentration in human sexuality, author of the book Come as You Are amongst others, and generally awesome sex researcher/writer/person) has posited that our sex drive is not the purely linear you-got-it-or-you-don’t model that we once thought. Rather, we have varying levels of spontaneous and responsive desire. The difference is that spontaneous desire is the desire/need to have sex that pops out of the blue, and we feel the need to satiate, like a hunger or need to sleep. Responsive desire, which many people may mistake for low desire, just means that you’re more likely experience erotic desire in a sexy context, basically after sexy things have started to happen.
Now, we don’t always masturbate because we are horny. Sometimes we’re bored, want to take a nap, have a migraine, or just want to put off something else. (Hey, the term ‘procrasturbating’ can be a bit more literal for some.) If you feel as though you’re never feeling horny enough to actually stop and do some masturbating, try treating it as more of a prioritized activity in its own right. Maybe you just need to indulge in some external erotic stimulation to get your own desires going. That could mean lighting a candle and taking a bath, that could mean sexting someone, it could mean reading some erotica, or watching some porn. Engaging in this sort of content allows you to experiment with kinks and fantasies own your own so you can discover what it really is that makes you tick.
Even orgasm-veterans can fall into the habit of certain kind of stimulation. Maybe clitoral stimulate on its own has worked for you (or maybe it hasn’t) but why not switch it up? When you’re taking time to yourself, truly left to your own devices (whether it’s your own two hands or a G-spot vibrator) why not explore the fantastic feelings of touching other parts of your body?
Even if you can’t climax from G-spot stimulation, that doesn’t mean you might not like penetration. Maybe what’s missing is the feeling of having your nipple stimulated, or fingers on your inner thigh. You’re in the best position to get to know your body, and we can all surprise ourselves sometimes!
Use (Good) Lube
Just as our sexual education doesn’t often cover the finer points of masturbation (other than its healthy) it usually doesn’t cover the use of lube. While vaginas are self-lubricating, that doesn’t mean there’s anything ‘wrong’ about needing to use lubricant, especially if you’re starting with clitoral stimulation. A good (ideally water-based) lubricant will be not too runny and not too thick, and make stimulating yourself quite literally go more smoothly. There are millions of types of lubes that vary in consistency, scent, and sensation, so we suggest sticking to the smaller bottles to test them out until you find one you like, lest you be stuck with a huge bottle you don’t really like, or worst case, irritates you.
Clear Your Mind…of how you Think you SHOULD be Masturbating
Our relationships with masturbation can be wildly different. Some people start exploring their bodies when they’re younger, because while they might not know what it is, they do know it feels good. Other people, however, become aware of what masturbation is and why we do it before they first begin to explore it. If you’re of the latter group, you may be stuck with one hard and fast notion of what masturbation is, or looks like, when in reality there are a myriad of ways to do the deed.
Masturbation is all about stimulating yourself so that you feel good. Maybe that means standing up in the shower (hello, waterproof rabbit massagers!) or maybe that means grinding against something after reading part of a particularly steamy novel. Whichever works for you is the right way; you go on and do you! (Literally.)