Beach Party

So you promised yourself this vacation would be different. This vacation you were going to bust outta your comfort zone. This vacation you were going to fearlessly approach a vast variety of voluptuous vacationers and hookup at will. After all, this trip was set to birth the new you!

Well now you’re here. You’re surrounded by bikinied and board-shorted babes and guess what, you’re still the same old you, raring to go, but stuck in the quicksand of approach anxiety. Time to fall back into your old ways and watch everyone else have all the fun, right? Wrong.

Quit your sulking because PicoBong is here to snap you out of your psychological slump. No, we’re not going to get preachy about rainbows and living life to the fullest—that’s what Facebook newsfeeds are for. We are, however, gonna delve into the underground world of pickup artists to hook you up with some of their tried and true terms and techniques, backed by psychology and biology, that have turned thousands of AFCs (average frustrated chumps) into MPUAs (master pick up artists).

Just in time for your spring and summer sojourns, we present to you: the top pickup problems and their sneaky, seductive solutions.

PROBLEM: APPROACH ANXIETY

SOLUTION: THE THREE SECOND RULE

EVOLUTION’S TAKE: The hesitation to and fear of approaching strangers, especially if sex or a relationship is our goal, is engrained in our DNA—and with good reason. In early times, ostracization from your village or even death could be the result of an ill-calculated pass. Today, rejection has little to no consequences, but our paranoid, vintage brains are still stuck in the Stone Age.

THE PICKUP LOWDOWN: To outsmart approach anxiety, pickup artists use the three second rule. As soon as you find someone attractive, make your move within the first three seconds of noticing him or her. The longer you wait, the more likely you are to both psych yourself out and scare him or her away with those creepy, shifty looks.

PROBLEM: BLENDING IN WITH THE CROWD

SOLUTION: PEACOCKING

EVOLUTION’S TAKE: During the courtship process, male peacocks extend and flaunt their feathers to captivate potential mates. Like peacocks, human beings are naturally attracted to flashy colors and vibrant accessories. Don’t believe us? Try wearing a cowboy hat, pink feather boa and sunglasses to the club this weekend, and see how many more heads turn your way.

THE PICKUP LOWDOWN: Peacocking—wearing flashy or unusual clothing to gain the attention of those around you—is as vital is it is fun and easy. Remember, the only criterion anyone at a public gathering can judge you on is your appearance. If you look like a rock star, you are, by all means, a rock star. Also keep in mind: if anyone comments on or touches any part of your gaudy get-up, consider it an IOI, indicator of interest, and a sign to escalate the conversation.

PROBLEM: COMING ON TOO STRONG

SOLUTION: NON-THREATENING OPINION OPENERS

EVOLUTION’S TAKE: Strangers are scary. When approached by someone we don’t know, our initial reaction is one of guardedness, as our brains are hard-wired to be suspicious of strangers for survival purposes. Even a passerby innocently asking for directions is met by an instantaneous, defensive “What the hell do they want from me?” from our brains.

THE PICKUP LOWDOWN: Take all sexuality out of your approach and ask a simple, light, opinion-oriented question, or opener, sure to start a non-threatening, comfort-building conversation. For example, “My friends and I have been arguing all night, but can’t figure out which Harlem Shake video is the original? Can you help us out?” Use the ensuing conversation to portray your glowing personality and build rapport. Remember: everyone loves giving their opinion and feeling useful.

ISSUE: BEING JUST ANOTHER SUITOR

SOLUTION: NEGGING

EVOLUTION’S TAKE: Human beings want what they can’t have. Diamonds are valuable because they are rare, difficult to attain and have been given a high value by society. People want to sleep with celebrities for the same reason. The more available something or someone is, the less desirable it, he or she is. The less available, the more desirable.

THE PICKUP LOWDOWN: Shamelessly complimenting someone from the get-go ala “you are so beautiful” immediately lowers your value in the eyes of your target. To DHV, demonstrate higher value, pickup artists instead use negs, playful backhanded compliments (eg- “Those short are adorable, my teenage cousin has the same pair.”), and false disqualifiers (eg- “You’re kinda cool—its too bad you’re not my type.”) to feign disinterest. Your projected high standards will set you apart from the crowd of clichéd clowns.

PROBLEM: LACKING IN THE LOOKS DEPARTMENT

SOLUTION: UNDERSTANDING LOOKS ARE DECEIVING

EVOLUTION’S TAKE: Throughout history, the closer you were aligned to the tribal leader of your group, the more S&R value, survival and replication value, you had. Social status was and still is above and beyond a more desirable mating trait than good looks. In ancient times, aligning yourself with powerful people ensured your safety and increased your value as a mate.

THE PICKUP LOWDOWN: An average-looking person surrounded by laughing, smiling friends is significantly more desirable than the statuesque hottie standing in the corner, smugly stirring the ice in their drink. Once you and your friends have settled into your party nook, go around and invite people to join the game you just started playing. Nothing is more attractive than having a good time and exhibiting social proof.

Vacationing is just as much about getting out of your postal zone is it is getting out of your comfort zone. Some of the tips you’ve just read might sound scary or unnatural to put into practice, but guess what—hundreds of thousands of average Joes and Janes the world over have given their love life a much needed pick me up by trying out these tantalizing techniques.

Remember, if nothing changes…nothing changes.

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