This just in: scientists recommend a healthy diet, exercise, and keeping all wireless devices a hearty distance from the goods “down there”. Whew. Thank god for pop science—without it, can you imagine just how we’d make it through the week?

Not like it’s an entirely new inflated proclamation from unworthy sources, there has lately been a resurgent buzz in the “science” world over the effect of wireless technology, or for anyone under the age of 70—WiFi—on sperm vitality.

One such noteworthy reference article hails from the ABC “Medical Unit” . Now, that’s a pretty intimidating title for a forum that contains such titles as “Butt Boosting ‘Doc’ Gave Woman Chipmunk Cheeks” but, let’s say, for the sake of all that is mighty, we gave them the benefit of the doubt.

Let’s say we believe the claims. We get on board; reassured by the cushion of numbers and percentages indicating that, after exposing men to four hours of laptop lap use, 25 percent of their sperm became slower than your 90-year-old granny wading in lukewarm gravy. After all this lain trust, with a heart swollen in pomp, what is one to do when bombarded with a concluding statement such as this:

“Some scientists say they don’t believe using a laptop will make men infertile.”

Well bollocks. That only makes all 350 of your previous words utterly fallacious.

It’s articles like these, media, that condone the ever-present fear and confusion pervading the mass chaos that is our modern populace for the sake of filler reads.

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